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#1: The All-Stars: These are the President Obamas and the Justice Marshalls. Every time they open their mouth you’re ready to vote for them. It doesn’t matter that they’re not actually running for anything.

i. The How the Fuck Do You Do Its

The How the Fuck Do You Do Its take you a little by surprise. This is the fun, fit, top-ranked student who you see out until 4 am drunk, and rolling, and dragging some hot foreign LLM exchange student behind her telling you she’s gonna take him home and sit on his face, and then the next day you peel yourself out of bed at 1 pm and trudge your ass to the library where you’re going to, let’s be honest, probably watch Battlestar Galactica on Netflix, and you see her all showered and perfect and OMG she’s been there since 9 am, and she went on the most amazing run at 6 am, and how? HOW do they do it? Her best friends include the wino who’s determined to prove that she’s smarter than her Stepford Wife looks, and the deceptively intelligent preppy meathead.

ii. The Yea Obviouslys

Unlike the How the Fuck Do You Do Its, no one is surprised to find out that the Yea Obviouslys are at the top. These are the kids who are always suited up, not because they’re douches, but because they actually have important shit to do. Yea, they may be a little awkward or intense, but they’re generally not the jackass gunners people assume (see below) because these guys are so smart and so good, they don’t need to be asshats. They’re just naturally and automatically better than you. They get invited to give conferences, and are either married or have a 5- year plan with their current squeeze. Their every word might be tinged with condescension or that might just be your own inferiority complex kicking in. Either way they don’t have time to discuss your self-esteem issues; Gloria Allred called and she needs help settling her next case, Sexually Harassed Female v. Skeevey Politician.

#2:  The Socially Awkwards:

These are the keeners and gunners and kids who can talk about nothing but grades and school and studying. Here you’ll find the nice, somewhat boring, girl who was a straight A student in undergrad by working her ass off, but is now realizing that maybe it just isn’t enough in law school. Next to her is the guy who is just darling, but who never learned how to speak to women and you suspect is still a virgin. Here you’ll also find brownnosers so dedicated that they are perpetually tossing all of their professors’ salads simultaneously. Additionally, brownnosers are often one-uppers. If you’ve been in the library for 8 hours studying, they’ve been in the library for 15 hours studying and preparing for a moot court competition and helping professor Binns create his next lesson plan all while suffering from a rare and excruciating South American flu.

Also in here is the bitchy clique that cannot accept that its members are second best and so spend all of their non-studying time cutting down everyone else for ridiculous things like mooting too intensely, and just generally not being as hip and cool as they. It must be exhausting affecting that much ennui while up to your eyeballs in study guides.

#3-4: The Probably Shouldn’t Have Gone To Law Schoolers

Quintiles 3-4 pretty much meld together, and no one gives a shit about these kids. They are like the Howie Dorough of law school: forgettable. They include the I’m only here because I didn’t meet my hubby in undergrad so I thought law school was a great place to keep looking (yes, she’s still around). The I’m using law school as a procrastination of life mechanism because becoming a real adult sounded scary and I was too lazy in undergrad to complete the pre-med courses. You’ll also find the, I should have gone into grad school/social work/teaching. Some of these kids genuinely came to law school to be lawyers, and knew to an extent what they were getting into, but are now no longer interested or maybe just don’t have the stamina. Others have parents with firms and are just getting by until they graduate and become associates.

#5:  The Stoner/Bullshitter/Philosophizers

This group ranges from the pain-in-the-ass pretentious shit that raises his hand every class and spews out nonsensical multisyllabic hogwash (what? I like that word) in the hopes that the professor won’t notice he hasn’t read, to the kid who’s always stoned but that you suspect might be the next Kurt Vonnegut. In no other group do you experience such a wide range of intellect, and while you do everything in your power to avoid even eye contact with the douche clown of hogwash, you’re always looking to impress the king of historical and cultural references. Just when you think you’ve intrigued him with your knowledge of WWII weaponry, he brings up his political belief in Georgism and you meekly nod along until you can extract your under-informed ass from the conversation.

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