Before I actually started law school, a lot of people told me things about how law school would change the way I think, and how I process information, and so on. Of course, like the perpetually angsty 14 year-old tweenybopper that I am, I got all rebellious and “NUH-UUH” on that shit. I figured was too smart and awesome and self-aware to let law school warp me like that. I was going to beat the damn thing, and come out totally myself just, with more knowledge and stuff.
So I’m cruising along, being myself, fighting the subjugation of my brain and individuality and awesomeness and all that, when I start dating a non-law school male. A month and a half later, this happens:
Me: Hey, can we talk.
Male: Um, sure. What’s up?
Me: Sooo, I’m kind of confused. Why have you been ignoring me the last three days?
Male: Huh? I haven’t been, it’s just been a really busy couple of days. You sound upset, but I’m honestly not sure why.
Me: Because from the beginning we’ve been talking/texting/communicating multiple times a day, and then out of the blue you totally disappear on me for 72 hours. This change in behavior says to me that either A) something has changed about how you feel towards me, or B) you think it’s okay in a relationship to go for more than 24 hours without one measly text. Either of which would lead me to being upset.
Male: Or. I was just busy. Are you seriously mad at me about this?
Me: Don’t do that. I’m not being crazy. I don’t feel things for no reason, I’m responding to how you’ve behaved. First, you told me on our second date that you’re tired of casual dating and games and bullshit and that you’re just looking for someone to be with for real. Second, you introduced me as your girlfriend when I met all your friends last week, and we hadn’t even discussed exclusivity so I was not expecting that you just did it of your own accord. Third, we just spoke on Sunday about where this is going and making it more serious.
Male: What are you doing?
Male: Did you just submit evidence against me?
Male: You did, you just made a claim and justified it with a list of evidence.
We stopped dating soon after that, but really the whole relationship was just based on amazing sex anyway – speaking wasn’t our strong suit. Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is that whether or not I was right/justified (which I was totally both, asshat), I realized in that moment that I had lost to law school. My brain now filters everything into categories, lists, and subcategories. I think in terms of point A, point B, point C. My thoughts are less spontaneous, and, in some ways, less my own. I can’t accept things as easily as I used to. I seek evidence and plausible arguments, even where it’s probably entirely unnecessary and maybe not even healthy to do so. It’s kind of awesome in some ways, but mostly it’s more depressing than losing consistently mind-blowing sex.