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So I was going to write a post about how last week I got all dressed up and when my mom saw me she said, “Oh wow, you look really pretty,” and I said, “You sound surprised,” and she said, “Well you never try anymore, so I forget that you can look like that,” and then later a friend said to me, “You look happy. Why?” And then when I told a different friend about the potential material for a post about how in law school looking clean and happy warrants surprise, she made the enlightened comment that in undergrad if someone said they were depressed or in a funk it was cause for concern and immediate action (such as a “girls night out” or something), but in law school depression is the default, but THEN I saw this:

“Cuddly Puppies Help Law Students De-stress Before Exams”

OH THE HORROR.

Apparently someone else noticed my brilliant revelation that law school can cause mental instability and thought, “LET’S GIVE THEM PUPPIES!”

Actual quote from the article: “Holding a squirming puppy, [third-year Allison Tisdale] said, ‘you get to be human again.’”

See? Human again? She is explaining to the writer that law school students are basically zombies with a higher literacy rate, but the exact same level of soullessness and lack of personal hygiene, because law school students are not really human AND, I will add, we have a higher proclivity for addiction than the general population.

First of all, putting a puppy into these less-than-humans’ hands for even a short period of time is taking a lot of risk with innocent puppies’ lives, who, the article states, have already had to be saved from near-death once. I am not sure that these puppies would volunteer to participate in this program if they had a voice. I mean, maybe the adrenaline junkies would, but really we have no way of knowing which are which, so I’m going to be their voice for them. SOMEONE CALL PETA.

Please don’t make me do it. Take Fluffy. He’s the one who peed on the carpet I *swear.* PLEASE! OH GOD! NOOoOoOoOoooo!

Second of all, this supposed rescue group is essentially giving these zombie-light students a quick injection of humanity and feelings and then promptly taking it away. It’s inevitable that their addictive natures are going to immediately crave more, and send them into a tailspin requiring more and more puppy time until they are going to start thinking what a good idea it would be to adopt a puppy, and even though rescue shelters have applications that are pages long, they are going to see law school and assume that the applicant is smart and responsible and give them a puppy, and then that poor puppy is going to be the unwitting enabler to that student’s humanity addiction, and the student will think, “I don’t need humanity. I just like it. I could stop at any time.” But then the humanity will seep in and start to take over their lives, and one day the student will wake up and be a reasonable weight, and have a full head of hair, and realize they’ve eaten three well balanced meals that day, taken a shower, and called their non-law schools friends, and maybe even contemplated pursuing a non-legal career. Holy shit. SAVE THE LAWYERS!

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