Sometimes I disappear for a while, and for some reason shirk the things that make me the happiest.
I haven’t had any inspiration recently. I’ve been stuck in another loop of what-ifs. I know they’re useless. I know they change nothing, but once again I find myself too tired to fight them anymore. I’m wondering if this place, if any moment in time, is something chosen or something fated. Not the physicality of it – the wheres and the whats – more the feeling of it. If I could go back, and recreate myself, and was living an entirely different life right now, would I still feel the way I do? Largely lost, mostly unfulfilled, struggling between giving in to just mindlessly doing whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing or continuing to fight for something other, despite constantly being faced with nothing more than just myself.
If you could change everything, if going back meant being happier in this moment, how far back would I have to go? Would 16 be enough? Would I have to go back to prepubescence and cut my personality off from the start? Take everything I’ve learned and put it towards creating a new me. Sometimes reliving all those years sounds exhausting. Sometimes it seems like the only cure. Sometimes I think I just want to go back and hang out in that place where lack of responsibilities meets newly found freedom and sense of self. Just to take a breath.
Right now, as I write this, I don’t think you can change anything. I think no matter where I was right now, I’d still be me and I’d still find reasons to feel like I do. My family thinks it’s all the rejection from the jobs I apply to, that I’m letting it get me down, but honestly with reports coming out documenting 45,000 law grads to every 25,000 law jobs, I’m not particularly surprised or upset about it. It’s just something we all do. We apply, we get rejected, we start again. Do I want a job? Yes. Am I scared? Yes. But this is something else. Something about my fundamental me-ness.
It’s all like one of those jelly tube toys from when I was a kid. The pressure starts, and you feel everything slowly squeezing in a little more each day. Once the hold gets tight enough you only have two options. Will you go up or will you go down? Right now I’m trying my hardest to make sure that this time it’s up.
Update: This is just the perfect song for right now.