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Hey you,

Pssssst, yea you with your hand up 1 minute before class ends. 1 minute. You do realize that one minute is only 60 seconds? By the time the professor has finished this ramble-fest about some stupid assignment we have due next week, that I’m clearly not going to look at until next week, it will have been at least 120 seconds, which is one minute longer than class time.

What’s that? It’s a really important comment that affects us all? No it’s not. No one cares. No one. Wait until after class, asshat. I heard you when I came into class. You were here, crazy early, immersed in a pretentious conversation about Italian wines and some tasting party you’re having. You even shot a look at me that said, “No way you’re invited.” That’s okay, I’ve got my own stash:

1/3 the price, but 5 times the drunk. And people say lawyers are bad at math.

You were probably the kid in undergrad that started most comments with, “I spent a few weeks in *random third-world country* and it was the most profound experience of my life. I think what some of my classmates fail to recognize is…” And you really, truly, honestly believed that we all needed to know this, and would be better for it. We weren’t. Your experience was not unique.

Listen, when you raise your hand ten times during regularly scheduled class hours, I appreciate it on some level, because it gives the prof less time to call on me, and allows me to continue playing crossword puzzles or whatever, but I draw the line when you’re extending class hours. I’m pretty sure there’s some implied contract that you’re breaching. Or like, a written one because schools have handbooks right? I’m not totally positive because while I did pretty stellar in Contracts, that was 2 years ago and BARBRI will just reteach me whatever the fuck I need to know for the bar.

Where am I off to in such a hurry? The point here is not what I need to do. Maybe I have a meeting with an on-campus group, or maybe I just want to go home to masturbate and have a nap. Either way, it’s my time. So please, guy with his hand up right before class is over, put your hand down and shut the fuck up. I’m begging you.

Best Regards,