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As exam time approaches, so does yet another law school horror: 12-hour days at the library. These marathons of dick-sucking (that’s a metaphor you guys!) are the best way to see law school students in all their stressed-out and psychotic glory. Here’s an outline of how my library days usually proceed. I’m gonna go ahead and assume it’s the same for everyone else too (because the alternative is too sad).

1. The Pre-Library Ritual

This includes showering and dressing semi-nicely because that takes up time, feels legit enough for me to not recognize it as a means of avoidance, and lets me show up a little later than the 10 am start time I’d planned on. Speaking of planning, I will create a totally unrealistic fantasy to-do list of all the things I’m going to accomplish at the library, as if I’m some kind of humanoid productivity machine that has no need for bathroom breaks or food or occasional visits to Suri’s Burn Book. I will also create a stash of well proportioned and healthy snacks, because nothing causes as much anxiety as heading for a full day at the library without something to chew on.

I am prepared, motivated, and look stylish enough to figure that if I fail all my exams at least I’ve got my looks. Let’s DO THIS.

2. Arriving at the Library

This starts with scoping out my favorite study table location. 1L year I was all about the study rooms, but that got a little too claustrophobic for me. I will then spend approximately one hour creating the perfect work space and surfing the internet, because just showing up to the library deserves a reward in and of itself. This will end with me putting up a sarcastic, self-serving, attention-seeking (but seriously actually kind of funny) Facebook status letting the world know about my library plans and woes.

Siddhachalam peacock

Siddhachalam peacock (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

SOMEONE GIVE ME ATTENTION AND VALIDATION. NOW!

3. Actually Do Work (Sort of)

My reading and outlining will be punctuated with gchatting, conspiratorial glances at my bffs sitting around me, and giggling. At some point I will decide that I absolutely cannot work without some music, and set about deciding which Pandora station will most suit my needs for optimal studying motivation.

rAVe [Publications]'s rAVe Now official logo

rAVe Now official logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Oh yea. That’s it.

Every time I finish a couple pages of reading, I will be on Facebook, checking to see if I have any little red numbers notifying me that others appreciated my status and added their own witty comments. I *really* hope that a funny commenting chain will ensue below the status resulting in both my own amusement and the knowledge that anyone visiting my FB page that day will know that I am popular and funny.

4. The First Break-Down

About 4-5 hours in I will have my first melt-down. The hours prior hosted some mini-panics and a small amount of tears, but this one will be a full-scale holy-fuck-I’m-going-to-fail-everything-why-did-I-suck-all-semester-please-let-a-car-hit-me collapse. I will decide that I need to take a walk outside and also to buy some food because almonds and fucking veggie sticks just aren’t going to cut it. I proceed to buy a giant bag of chocolate covered pretzels (that I will eat in its entirety) and decide that later on I will go to Chipotle for a sour creamy burrito bowl. For the next 4-5 hours I will not be able to stop thinking about and salivating over the imminent deliciousness.

Original Artist: Allie Brosh author of the awesome blog hyperboleandahalf.com

5. Law School Students Are Fucking Gross

The end will finally come. It’s dark outside. My hair is now greasy and in some ridiculous bun on top of my head. I’m exhausted yet manic. The women’s restrooms all look like a bunch of potty training toddlers were left in there all day. And my perfect work space looks like this:

Sorry janitorial staff. I’m a law school student, which means I grew up privileged and stuff. See you again tomorrow.

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