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I’m a little peeved at Hollywood, and maybe even pop culture in general. There is this newish Zooey Deschanel-led fad* of everyone calling themselves awkward and a social outcast, etc. It’s bullshit. Stop co-opting my life. Some of us have panic attacks and actual insomnia and this problem where a muscle over their throat twitches when they’re nervous which makes it feel like their throat is closing which then induces more panic attacks. Some of us don’t have eleventy million pounds of hair extensions, ginormous blue eyes, and an endless wardrobe that was probably made by elves and their animal helpers with adorable sewn into every stitch.

Until you are sitting in class threatening to pee your pants because you are too anxious and uncomfortable to get up and leave in the middle of class because clearly everyone is going to stare at you and you’re going to spend that 20-step-death-walk thinking things like, “Oh my God my steps are so loud. I sound like a woolly mammoth. The floor is shaking beneath me. THE FLOOR IS SHAKING.” and “Why are you walking so weird? People are going to think you usually walk like this. Stop it.” and then breathe a sigh of relief when you’re finally outside coupled with a mini panic attack at the thought that you’re going to have to endure that again on the way back in, and literally fulfill your adrenaline high quota for the rest of your life because you never learned how to handle reality in the way that other people seemed to figure out at the age of six, so finally you just decide to hold it for another hour and a half, ONLY THEN can you pretend to be a socially awkward misfit.

Terminal 5, NYC

I have a hilarious and successful TV Show, and a voice like an angel. Total fucking loser.

* For clarification I love Zooey Deschanel, her blog HelloGiggles, and her show New Girl. I just hate, you know, everything she represents.

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