I really want to write a post about law prom. I really *really* do. I have been thinking about it since Barristers Ball season started, and my FB news feed started blowing up with pictures of law students all clean and pretty and faking social competence, but I’m having trouble getting it going. I think maybe because I can’t decide if law prom is funny or just sad being that it’s basically middle school sexual politics but with alcohol. So I’ve decided to tell the story of my law prom evening, and hope you guys don’t leave me when you realize how stupid my life really is.
Call Me Maybe: Play 1
Arrive at law prom. Comment on how pretty the venue is to my friend Haley from college, who is my date for the evening. Find out that because I didn’t pre-order my tickets (who the fuck does?) I don’t get any free drink tickets. At first I’m confused and think it’s a bad joke and just stand there waiting for someone to give me my damn drink tickets. Realize it’s for real when I get yelled at for holding up the line. Get slightly angry about this at my friend on the student government who organized the prom because I’m tipsy and also because it’s just a dumb policy, Eric. Begin first lap of the party and say hi to the people who I didn’t see at the pre-game. Vaguely wiggle hips at song currently playing. The first Call Me Maybe starts up.
Meh. Who the hell requested this so early? I’m not ready yet. Booze, I need booze. And so does that guy on the right. Dude, chill.
Call Me Maybe: Play 2
Seek out my friend Jack who always has a few flasks hidden in his jacket. I know I saw Lisa earlier with a bottle of Smirnoff in her giant purse, but I’m less inclined to ask a girl for her stash.
Jack: Of course. Vodka or tequila?
Me: Tequila. Always.
Catch a glimpse of my crush arriving. A crush that I’ve spoken to all of twice, but that for some reason I was immediately attracted to. My vagina can be so unruly. Run in other direction, with Haley screaming from behind me that I’m a being a pussy. Run into my friend Matt and tell him my dilemma. He advises that I don’t walk up to Crush and say, “I want your P in my V.” (“What about ‘I’m DTF?'” “Skyler, also no.”) but that I should aim for shameless flirting and a drunken make out, you know, to break the ice. He gives me some tips on what to say.
Call Me Maybe starts its second play. I scurry to dance floor excitedly.
OMG I LOVE this song. Yay 90’s pop revival!
Call me Maybe: Play 3
Get friend who graduated last year but for some reason is at our law prom to buy me a beer. Thanks Josh. I knew I missed you!
See crush enter dance floor/food area. Run towards bathroom. Get knocked into by the requisite way-too-drunk-2L girl who’s being chased by her sort-of bf who’s currently hating his life.
Pathway to bathroom is being blocked by a group of Wooo! girls. Dammit. I need to fucking pee and my Spanx are starting to roll down and make weird creases and cut off my ribs. Okay. You can do this in three . . . two . . . one:
Woo Girl 1: OMG SKYLER! AAAHHHH, YOU LOOK SO FABOOSH I DIDN’T EVEN RECOGNIZE YOU!
Me: OMG HIIIIIIII! YOU GUYS LOOK SO GREAT! I LOVE THAT DRESS!
(Actually it’s kind of skanky and I’m judging you a little, but mostly I’m just jealous that you can pull that off and I can’t. Your ass is unreal.)
Woo Girl 2: AHHHH, YOU’RE SUCH A FREAKING SMOKE SHOW!
Me: OMG STOOOOOOP.
Finally make it to bathroom. Pee and fight with my Spanx. Look in mirror. Ignore the train wreck staring back at me and decide I look HOT.
Find Haley talking to Greg, a cute guy who has a habit of drinking too much Jack Daniel’s and saying awkward things.
Me: Hey guys! Whatchya talkin about?
Haley: I was telling him about how you’re being pathetic and a 12 year old.
Greg: Just talk to the guy. You look hot. You shouldn’t look that hot when my girlfriend’s around because I want to do you.
Keepin’ it classy, Greg.
Call Me Maybe play three starts up and I pull Haley inside.
I look so cute flipping my hair like this and moving my body around violently! I’M JUST LIKE ASHLEY FUCKING TISDALE!
Call Me Maybe: Play 4
Lots more drinking and stiff dancing b/c my dress won’t stay in place, and my spanx are cutting off my breathing abilities.
Go outside to get some air. See Crush walking by. Grab him by the arm:
Me: I haven’t seen you inside all night.
Crush: Yea, that’s because I’m sober. It’s a little too drunk inside for me.
SOBER?! WHAT? Who stays sober at a law school function?! I did not plan for this contingency. Omg awkward silence. Jesus, it’s been like 30 seconds of silence. Say something, SAY SOMETHING.
Me: Wow. I’m so disappointed in you and your lameness.
Crush: I’m sorry Sky. I hope you can forgive me.
He’s smiling and laughing. He’s so handsome when he does that. Wait, is he mocking me and my drunk? OMG does he know I want to bone him?! HE KNOWS. RUN AWAY!
Suddenly and without warning bail on the conversation. Find Becca who tells me her man-fail of grabbing her crush’s ass and his total avoidance of acknowledging the occurrence. Then I think she says that this is the worst prom ever, before promptly passing out.
The fourth and final Call Me Maybe play starts.
Wait. Prom is over? That was so short. Go out downtown? Oh, no. That’s okay. My feet kind hurt, and I have work to do tomorrow. And I think I want McDonald’s.